Sharing Household Labor: How to get your kids to help with household tasks
I am a big fan of sharing household labor (the “S” in my RESET model). When I say that, people automatically assume I’m talking about with a spouse or other adult in the household. But don’t forget that kids can share in household labor too!.
How do you get your kids to help with household tasks? I’ll cut to the chase and tell you right up front: you have expectations and you provide the necessary training.
And of course, my disclaimer: each family is unique and finding what works for everyone in your family is a process that takes time, thought, communication and openness.
First you have to be clear on your expectations. And those expectations need to be developmentally appropriate for your child. There are a lot of household tasks my 7 year old can’t do and there are a lot that he can do! My recommendation here is to focus on the big 3 first and go from there:
Meals: My 7 year old can’t make the entire meal from start to finish independently, but you know what he can do? He can make part of the meal (flip the tortillas, put the rice in the rice cooker, toast the bread, toss the salad), set the table and clear his place from the table. Focus on what your child can do and start there. Whatever work you do now is work you are doing to lay the foundation of knowledge and skills they need to be independent while also fostering a culture of all doing our part and working as a united body to sustain ourselves.
Laundry: Can your child do all of the laundry from start to finish? Maybe. But if not, can they put their dirty clothes in the hamper? Can they put the soap in the washer? Can you teach them how to use the dials on the washing machine? Can they move the clothes from the washer to the dryer? Can they put clothes away?
Cleaning: Your child may not be ready to tackle all cleaning activities but they can certainly help with a lot of things. Tidying (especially their own stuff), dusting, window washing, vacuuming, etc.
My biggest tip is to focus on one habit at a time. Start with teaching and having them shadow whoever is currently the owner of the task. Start small and gradually add more habits once those are mastered. There will be a lot of reminding (hopefully gentle) as you’re helping them establish a new habit. Expect that. Exercise patience and with time and maturity, things will get better.
Another tip is to connect a natural consequence with a new skill. For example, we have the expectation in our household that everyone will clear their place after meals, including my 4 and 7 year-old sons. My 7 year old has it down and my 4 year old is still working on it. Even with reminders, sometimes he hasn’t cleared his place by the time we are getting ready for the next meal. I explain to him that if he would like to join us for the upcoming meals, he needs to clear his place before now.
If my kids don’t like what I cook, I give them options of other things we can have next week. I get them involved in the meal planning process. They may also be more interested in helping with meal prep.
Your attitude toward chores I think also effects how your kids view them. If you complain often and vocally about how much of a pain it is to do xyz, your kids will pick up on this and are more likely to mirror this behavior and attitude. I’m not suggesting you suddenly pretend to love doing all household chores. But I think it is helpful if you can maintain a neutral stance. This is something that needs to be done and we get it done. We don’t have to wallow and complain about it. This is much easier to do when you aren’t being crushed by the weight of owning the vast majority of systems/tasks in your household.
A note on kids being “too busy” to help around the house. I flatly reject this. It doesn’t take much time or effort to be a considerate, contributing member of the household. I hear people all of the time say - I Just want my kids to be kids. Me too! I value free time, schoolwork, social time and pursuing interests from a young age. None of these activities mean someone can’t also contribute at home. I believe when kids learn and practice these skills of independence, they are becoming stronger, more confident versions of themselves. They aren’t at the mercy of someone else to do everything for them. They are capable people. When you expect and provide an environment for this, you are helping your child have a positive self image of themselves. If kids truly feel like they have zero time to help with tasks, I think this is more of a reflection of how they have become too busy and a reprioritization is in order. Also, if you have a very busy household member you can focus on things that aren’t time sensitive.
The other argument I hear is this: It’s not like doing dishes or cleaning bathrooms is all that hard, they will figure it out when they need these skills. That is true. But by expecting them to contribute in the household, you’re helping them cultivate the very, very important skill of noticing. When things are done for us, they become invisible. When we have the expectation of their contribution, these “invisible” tasks become more visible to them. They see that food doesn’t just appear, dishes don’t just go from dirty to clean on their own, bathrooms get dirty and need to be cleaned regularly, etc. I believe that the skill of noticing will serve them in all facets of life, not just at home. They’ll notice when people need help at the church picnic and will hopefully help out. At work, At school. At their friend’s house. They’ll be more considerate human beings.
If you’re ready to start sharing the household labor and stop feeling the weight of everything rest on your shoulders, check out with my workbook on sharing household labor, come to a workshop or book a call with me to get started!
